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South Africa has been in the backwoods of Business too long. Now it is time to go out into the world and fight. . .but first you'll need to know how to survive - perhaps even win - the Office War.
Begin by repeating the cliches that you should live by, such as:
Keep a head for business, and a body for sin.
It's important to be nice, but nicer to be important.
Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
Live fast, die young, and leave a goodlooking corpse.
Some of this advice may be too late, but you need to know all the options. I found them listed in "The Executive's Survival Guide", an illustrated kit on Office Warfare, just published. *
For instance, what tactics will you use in handling lust among the staff?
No, you misunderstand me. The point is you have to exploit the situation, not go diving into it. The correct tactic, as an office executive, is to make friends with the secretaries who have all the gossip. If, for instance, you learn that it is your boss who was caught at it on the office couch, or merely in mid-grope, there is no end to the advantage in it for you - provided you don't push your luck.
Remember, the strategy is not about revenge or crude blackmail, but about achieving ends - including improving business and retaining resources in the departments you can claim credit for.
Thus sex in the office must be carefully managed. One manager illustrates the problem of sex and wastage of effort with the story of Frederick the Great. He was riding through the camp of his favourite cavalry regiment when he saw a man about to be hanged.
"Why are you doing that,' he protested, 'he is one of my best soldiers."
Told that the officer was behaving unnaturally, and not only kissing the horses but also being bestial with the mares, the king declared; "Don't be silly. That's no reason to execute him and waste a good soldier - transfer him to the infantry."
In business (and in your own interests as a leader) a transfer - even promotion - of personnel who should be got rid of, applies to real duds as well as to good soldiers gone wrong.
For instance, if you made the mistake of recruiting a real duffer, and you don't want your error of judgement revealed, the thing to do is to recommend the dud to some rival department. Better still, send him on a series of training courses, as far away as possible. The Boss loves to see his executives dedicated to developing staff.
"The (all-white male) Executive's guide to survival" also suggests the following strategies:
*Get some-one else to do the hiring and firing for you.
Hiring your favourite nephew for the job "provokes a torrent of abuse and interrogation about bias against women, the old, crippled, blacks and Asians, plus queries on homosexuality, dress preferences and class," according to the expert named below.
Absence of bias is impossible to prove. And it doesn't help to respond with logic such as: "If it is so easy for women to sleep their way to the top, how come so few get there?"
Firing is also best left to others - not because you don't enjoy the task ("Happiness is a warm gun") - but because it is a legal minefield. You might get your wallet blown off. Even if your intended victim falls to the ground drunk on the job, it may not be sufficient legal ground for firing him - except in the case of airline pilots, of course. . . and then its usually too late.
There's lots more office warfare survival advice where this comes from. But why not provide me with some survival tactics of your own? If you'll do the work, I'll write another column on this vital issue.
The executive who provides the best tip will receive a framed recommendation for promotion.
("Office Warfare" by Michael Beckett, published by Headline, R105). |
