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James Clarke
Star columnist and author of Blazing Saddles - the truth about the Tour de Farce, wrote many columns about our triumphs and our tribulations. A review of his book appears here (soon)
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Below is a column from 2006 which introduces his readers to the 'planned and 'historic ride down the RiverThames. |
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Cycling for would-be toughies
James Clarke's Stoep Talk column, The Star, 19 April, 2006
One of the ambitions of the Tour de Farce, the six-man cycling team comprising four editors, a campaign-hardened photographer and a crazed newspaper columnist, has been to cycle down the historic River Thames. We were planning it for 2007.
But that’s where we’ll be in 12 days time.
Readers might exclaim, “But only a week ago you wrote you were cycling down the Loire in France, from its source to its estuary! One just can’t believe what one reads in the papers anymore.”
Let me explain.
Our French agents announced, that very day, that the Loire logistics had defeated them and they offered us a weak compromise. Because time was short we decided to approach VisitBritain (formerly British Tourist Board) in Hyde Park, Johannesburg - could they organise a last-minute source-to-estuary cycling expedition down the River Thames?
Within 24 hours it was on.
OK, the Thames is only 338km long but, as somebody said, “Every drop of the Thames is liquid ‘istory” and the scenery is therapeutic and the towns wonderfully ancient.
There are sites dating back to when the Thames was still a tributary of the Rhine - before the English Channel isolated Britain.
The British have been so busy exploring Africa’s rivers that we felt it time for Africa to explore Britain’s. Even Jerome K Jerome’s famous Thames expedition (recounted in Three Men in a Boat in 1889) didn’t venture far into the West Country where the river begins.
That’s where we are establishing our base camp - at the Wild Duck Inn in Cirencester (pronounced as “sister”) near Gloucester (pronounced “glosta”) where the Thames (pronounced “tems”) flows on to London (pronounced “lun’un”) and to the sea (pronounced “say”).
The beauty of cycling in the south of Britain is that, unlike in France where one often has to shout to be understood, the people speak a form of English. Admittedly their pronunciation can sometimes puzzle. If, for instance, you ask a West Country man, “Kind sir, is this the way to Bicester?” (pronounced “bister”) he will say, “Eee-arrr” which, in Gloucestershire (pronounced “Glostasheer”) means “Yes”.
As L*E*A*D*E*Rr of Tour de Farce V, I informed the team that while in the UK we will be in the hands of a Buckinghamshire company whose motto is, “Gentle Cycling”. The lads squirmed with embarrassment when I mentioned “Gentle Cycling” for, as readers know, although our average age is 67 we are a rugged bunch who, even at this time of year may sometimes be seen outside without jerseys.
There was even more shuffling of the feet when later I broke the news that after the Thames we will cross to France for a week-long privately arranged circular tour of the Lower Loire Valley where our hosts will be the widely-known UK group, “Cycling for Softies”.
With the collapse of our original French plans our old friend in Cape Town, Serena Cartwright who represents Cycling for Softies, stepped in. She said “softies” provide not only bikes but a daily luggage transfer service.
I had to remind her that we were not softies.
She said she fully understood but doubted that 'Cycling for Softies' would change their name to something like 'Touring for Toughies' just for us.
There are some misgivings. Richard Steyn phoned to ask if I’d seen the temperatures along the Thames Valley lately – as low as 1 deg C at the time. Our voluntary photographer, Alan Calenborne, was worried about his pixels freezing.
I told them to pull themselves together. It will be the Merry Month of May, the height of springtime in England.
(Aside: Take it from me; it’s never easy gathering nuts in May.) |
